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I wasn't born ugly. I've seen snapshots of myself as a baby, as a toddler. Beautiful little girl with springy dark curls, shining dark eyes, a happy smile. (Possibly if the snapshots were in sharper focus you'd see imperfections.) There aren't many of these old snapshots and there's a suspicious absence of others in them-now and then adult arms positioning or lifting me, an adult in trousers seen stooping from behind (my father?), a woman's lap (my mother?). When I lived at home I'd stare at these snapshots with my name written on the backs, in pencil-they were like riddles in a foreign language. God, I wanted to tear them into shreds!
Then one day it came to me. That beautiful little girl was your sister. She died, and when you were born they gave her your name.
As good an explanation as any.
"Hey waitress, over here!"
"Where you been, taking a leak? More coffee."
I came to Sandy Hook, on the Jersey shore, to waitress. The place was the Sandy Hook Diner, built to resemble an old-fashioned railroad car, glinting like tin on the outside; a counter and stools, some tables and booths crowded together on the inside. The atmosphere was breezy and casual. A little rough. I liked it, though. Among the patrons were numerous regular customers, men, friends of the owner who whistled to get the attention of waitresses, often called out their orders from where they sat. These were men who ate their food quickly and with appetite, lowering their heads toward their plates, talking and laughing with their mouths full. Such customers were not hard to please if you did as they asked. They did not notice if my wide waitressy smile was forced, pained, faked or ironic; after the first few days, they scarcely glanced at my face. My body engaged their interest, though - my heavy swinging breasts, my sturdy muscular thighs and buttocks. I weighed one hundred forty-six pounds, at five feet six. During a hot spell in September I wore loose-fitting tank tops with no bra beneath. I wore SANDY HOOK PIER Day-Glo blue T-shirts and a short denim skirt with metallic studs that glittered like rhinestones. My single pair of jeans, bleached white and...