Copyright (c) 2005, 
Dow Jones & Company Inc. Reproduced with permission of copyright owner. Further reproduction or distribution is prohibited without permission.AS MOTHER'S DAY approaches this weekend, let's talk about fathers. Here are snatches of conversation with a few:
"You caught me on a Tuesday, when the whole day is a complete sprint," said Peter Kenney, father of three and creative partner in a Philadelphia ad agency, answering his cellphone while hurrying out of the office to get home in time to change clothes, grab his two sons, and race off to T-ball practice.
"I hope it isn't too early to call but I have to go to something at my son's school," said David Callahan, a partner at Kirkland & Ellis, an international law firm based in Chicago, in a voice-mail message left at 7:40 a.m.
"What I've done is make sure all the grocery shopping was done before I left," said Don Bryant, father of four and director of sales at Del Monte Foods, speaking from his airplane seat while heading home to Pittsburgh from a business trip -- possibly in time to tend to his usual routine of making dinner for the family while his wife supervises the kids' homework.
There has been a lot of press, books and talk-show chatter recently about mothers on the verge of a nervous breakdown. The endless pressures of drop-offs, pick-ups, school work and sports practice along with jobs (if they have them) and other household obligations have left women overwhelmed, insecure and exhausted. This state of being has spawned a new genre of pop culture with TV shows like "Desperate Housewives" and the best-selling novel "I Don't Know How She Does It," which is being made into a movie starring Nicole Kidman. It has also led to a national discussion of motherhood and a growing conclusion that if women try to "have it all" they may go off the deep end.
There is something missing in much of this talk: fathers. The unacknowledged reality is that many men are increasingly caught in that vice of competing pressures of career, kids and home, worrying that the conference call suddenly scheduled for 6 p.m. will keep them from getting home for story time, or anxiously moving meetings so they can make it to the parent-teacher conference or the third-grade concert. They may, in fact, feel as stretched as their wives are but don't seem to want to talk about it as much -- and certainly not in public the way women have been doing.
It isn't just time pressures -- though as with women that is a huge part of it. There's also some of the guilt that is such a trademark of working mothers. Harvey Sawikin, who co-manages Eastern Europe funds for a hedge fund in New York City, has curtailed business trips for the sake of his two sons, ages 8 and 11, even though his wife doesn't have a paying job and can devote most of her time to the boys. His work often requires him to be gone for a week at a time, but he says: "I try to leave as late as possible on these trips, which means an overnight flight, showering at the airport and going straight to the meeting, instead of coming in a day earlier."
Mr. Sawikin says he can get "stressed out when I feel I'm not doing my best on either side -- for example, if I skip a trip overseas because I don't want to leave the kids again or if I don't pay enough attention to the kids when I'm home because my mind is on work."
Dads don't seem to have the outlets and support systems that many women have, either, like online mommy chatrooms or "Moms night out" with friends. But some are starting to emerge. Kirkland & Ellis, the law firm where Mr. Callahan works, which is 70% male, has a program called the Parenting Link, which provides information and holds lunchtime forums for parents. Most of the events, including a recent talk on how to improve your child's sleep habits that was video conferenced into the firm's New York office, have been attended by more men than women.
Anne Sidyrs, a corporate-litigation partner in Chicago, who founded the program, said she specifically chose topics that might appeal to men -- like financial planning for college and drawing up wills and trusts when you have kids -- so it wouldn't be perceived as a mommy thing. She also knows firsthand how involved fathers are in such issues. Ms. Sidyrs, mother of a 1- and 3-year-old has had to stay at the office late recently, which has meant that her husband, Paul, a business consultant, has had to get home to relieve the nanny. (He then feeds and bathes the kids and put them to bed.) "When you're stuck in traffic and sweating it out to get home on time," he notes, "it adds a whole new level of stress to the commute."
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Email me at familymatters@wsj.com.
(See related letters: "Letters to the Editor -- The Busy Modern Family: Mom-Dads and Dad-Moms" -- WSJ June 1, 2005)
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