Copyright India Currents Feb 28, 1994Consensual Marriage: The Indian system of marriage has a superior track. record
For a long time, the West has looked down upon the Indian system of arranged marriages as primitive, while extolling its own system as naturally superior. Even many Indians in the West have been strongly influenced by this viewpoint. Although the high divorce rate of Western marriages may make Indians pause, they continue to be fascinated by the movie-like romance that is generally associated with such "love marriages."
Before we examine the two systems of marriages further, it is useful to remember the purpose of marriage. Marriage is fundamentally a social institution, whose primary purpose is -- or should be -- to facilitate the procreation and upbringing of children in a stable and secure family environment. Moreover, marriage serves to add a dimension of social and legal commitment to a couple's relationship.
The successful upbringing of children requires a parental commitment of nearly 25 years. Consequently, marriage is not only a compact between a husband and a wife, but also between the couple and society. Since society has a vested interest in self-preservation, it provides social, legal, and financial benefits to the married couples and their children in order to protect and nurture posterity.
Although love is a wonderful emotion, two people in love don't really need to enter into a social contract to enjoy or enhance their love. In fact, based on the divorce rate in the West, one may think that marriage is more likely to undermine than enhance such love.
On the other hand, if a couple wants to marry to have children and/or enjoy the social and financial benefits of marriage (health insurance, inheritance, tax credits, and so on), then they should honor their commitments per the social compact. From this perspective, it is clear that an arranged Indian marriage, which is based on a foundation of strong commitment, helps fulfill this obligation much better.
Besides benefiting society, the stability of an Indian-style marriage also provides a major competitive advantage to the Indian families in the West. Behind every successful Indian entrepreneur, there is a committed and supportive family. The same is true for the Indian American child who excels in the Scholastic Aptitude Test. In contrast, a weak commitment in a Western marriage can cause chronic distrust and insecurity, thus making divorce a self-fulfilling prophecy.
A more fundamental problem with most Western love marriages today -- usually overlooked by Western sociologists -- is that they are really not love marriages. In a true love marriage, love should be either natural, unselfish, and enduring, or it should be overwhelming (a la Romeo and Juliet).
But an average American, for instance, dates about half a dozen people before finding a marriage partner. Each potential marriage partner tries to determine mutual compatibility with the other person in areas such as cultural interests, economic priorities, and sexual lifestyle.
During this long dating period, he/she often juggles potential dates the way a new college graduate juggles different job interviews and job offers. As my wife points out, this is hardly a love marriage; it is more like a "self-arranged marriage."
Moreover, this process of trial-and-error courtship often becomes an ordeal, especially for women who also face a significant risk of date rape. Worse yet, many women (e.g. women over 40, who may be divorced by men seeking younger wives) have to go through this ordeal while raising their children. However, there is no other "socially approved" way of finding a spouse. Even people who are able to arrange a marriage through the classified ads or computerized dating services, must call it a love marriage since every Western marriage is supposed to be, almost by definition, a love marriage.
Western culture encourages people to seek the advice of their family and friends when buying a house or choosing a dentist, but oddly enough, not when choosing a marriage partner (even when they have no prior experience of marriage). Consequently, even young children are expected to pursue their solo search for a mate in earnest. This practice not only impacts their education and careers adversely, but also causes immeasurable harm to the entire society through sexually transmitted diseases, teenage pregnancies, fatherless children, and crime. I believe that these problems essentially result from a cultural blind spot, which is further exacerbated by the West's reluctance to learn from other "primitive" cultures.
The people in India today do have marriage options other than the traditional marriage arranged by the parents and the extended family. For instance, the would-be bride and groom often participate actively in the mate selection process. Such an arranged marriage may be more aptly called a "consensual" marriage. Even love marriage is an option for some. Interestingly, whereas the traditional marriages provide a model of stability for Indian love marriages, the latter may help moderate the excesses of the former, such as dowry.
In summary, love does not need marriage. Marriage does need love, but it need not be a preexisting condition. Marriage also needs a strong prior commitment which is lasting. Almost all marriages are arranged. Since the Western culture does not acknowledge the benefits of a family arranged marriage, most Western marriages are self-arranged. However, most Indians in the West are more fortunate: if they are unable or unwilling to find a mate by themselves, they can rely on their families to arrange a consensual marriage.
My Research