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When my friend and neighbor Mary Ann, an energetic 41-year-old with two young children, announced that she had cancer in the lower half of her body, I collapsed in a heap on the nearest couch and sobbed. After I pulled myself together, I sensed that I had failed Lesson One of "When a Friend Has a Serious Illness."
I was unprepared to deal with the emotions her news would unleash. I felt consumed by my feelings of helplessness and fear of saying the wrong thing. I wanted to support Mary Ann and her family, but didn't know how.
I soon learned that my reactions were not unique. Fear of intruding, fear of invading the family's privacy, feelings of helplessness, fear of saying or doing the wrong thing around an ill person or their family are all common responses. Sometimes the fears and feelings of helplessness are so overwhelming that friends and acquaintances take the safe route and do or say nothing at all.
Gail Millan, a registered nurse and an education coordinator for Cedars-Sinai Medical Center, says it is important to put fears aside, to let the ill person know you care and to explain ways you can help.
She identifies three primary forms of assistance: practical help, information related to the illness and general emotional support ("I'm here if you need to talk or if you need a hug").
When approaching a friend or his or her family, the general line, "If you need anything at all, let me know," is comforting and reassuring, but won't elicit a response if the person is reluctant to ask for help.
"Be as concrete as possible. Identify something specific you can do," advises Valerie Ruelas, a social worker supervisor in the HIV/AIDS unit at County-USC Medical Center.
Mary Ann's husband, Mark, agrees.
"I really appreciate it when someone tells me to call if we need anything, but I have no idea if they're serious or how much time they have or what they're willing to do. If someone is specific, it opens up a dialogue."
Julie Lichtenberg Stern got down to specifics by organizing a cooking club, a group of five friends who take turns cooking a meal for Mark and Mary Ann's family five nights...